Oh, Christina....

OK. Now that the Super Bowl is in the books and I can actually exhale, and before I get down to writing my court report that I should have started over the weekend but didn't, I'm going to go off on a rant about a subject on which I have ranted in the privacy of my own living room many times: the National Anthem.

Apparently, social media is all abuzz (or, perhaps more aptly "aTwitter") over Christina Aguilera's completely unfortunate rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Of course, since we live in the society we do, people are also talking about how she looked, but really. That was just awful. And the thing is, I knew it would be. I didn't know it would be as bad as it was--honestly, Honey, the number one thing you have to do when you are a multi-platinum artist and a grownup singing the National Anthem at a sporting event is you have to get the words right. She apparently has since chalked up briefly flubbing some of the lyrics to getting "lost in the moment" or some such nonsense. Whatever. As I said, I knew it would be bad as soon as she opened her mouth--heck, before she opened her mouth. That's because I knew she was going to oversing the living crap out of that song, because EVERY SINGLE POP STAR DOES IT. For some reason that escapes me, pop solo artists seem to think they have to belt the snot out of every syllable they sing, and engage in all kinds of vocal pyrotechnics to the point where you can't tell what the actual melody of the given song is supposed to be. This, apparently, proves that they are good singers. Whatever, it's not my taste, but I don't buy their music or go to their concerts so they don't have to make me happy. However your record label or your producer or whoever wants you to sing whatever crap you're recording, that's just fine, go ahead and sing it that way. Whatever makes you happy.

But for the love of Francis Scott Key, when it's time to do the National Anthem, stop the madness. Just sing the damn song. The National Anthem is supposed to be a singalong anyway, not a piece of performance art. The audience is supposed to be able to sing with you, since you're all saluting your country together. Or at least that's what I always thought. It's not a very easy song to sing, I'll grant you, since the vocal range is pretty wide. So a lot of people don't do it, or they mouth the words or something. But still. The option is supposed to be there. But if you as the performer are improvising all over the place, throwing in changes in rhythm and weird trills and crap, then even the people who might want to sing along with you can't. They can't even mouth the words. And then it's not about the National Anthem, it's about you and your performance. And, pardon me for being a dorky old person, but I just hate that.

I actually happen to think that Christina Aguilera, despite her adherence to the vocal pyrotechnic school of belting, has a really good voice and is a good singer. Maybe if she'd just sung the song straight and not been worried about all the crazy things she was going to do to impress everyone, she might have at least gotten all the words right. It certainly would have been better than the hairball she coughed up. Frankly, the only person who's ever gotten away with creative vocal renditions of the National Anthem at sporting events is Marvin Gaye. He gets a special exemption. Everyone else should just stop trying.